Motion Sickness

I have motion sickness.

Many of times, if I’m the passenger in your car, I will need to be in the front seat with the AC on or the window open with my head facing straight forward. And chances are, if I’ve been the passenger in your car, I’ve gotten queasy because this girl can NOT keep her head straight…not when there are so many great things to look at out the side windows!  Or if you speak to me…I *have* to look at you. Because (hello): I’m anything but rude!

Recently, I remembered that there was a time in my life that it wasn’t such a problem. In fact, there was a time that I was the passenger quite often, looking out the side window at all the great scenery, and also looking over at the man that had all but made me his wife in the driver’s seat. I don’t remember getting motion sickness then. I gave up the control of where I was going to a person I thought wanted to go the same direction. I was wrong.

So, over the past several years, I have become the designated driver on many occasions. I drive myself to most destinations, and if with friends, I usually offer to drive. Everyone has just come to understand that I drive my own car and if I don’t, I get motion sickness. On top of that, I always have control of where we’re going and how we will get there.

It has dawned on me that I’m running my life and my relationship with God in much the same way. Fear that if I give up the steering wheel, I’ll have to endure the queasiness. I somehow convinced myself that I have control of where I go and the only choice is to drive myself, or get out of the car altogether. But I’m realizing that if I truly want to move forward, I’m going to have to learn to be a passenger again. It might not always feel great, but I want to go only where He’s taking me!

How about you? Are you still trying to drive? Have you learned to be a passenger? Or have you gotten out of the car completely? 

What if...

What if I had never dated him? What if I had never gone back after he was unfaithful? What if I had been upfront with how he made me feel when he did exactly the opposite of what he was saying? What if I was thinner? What if I had stayed in that program or job? What if I had shown up at church the day that dude wanted to meet me? There had always been a lot of “what ifs” in my mind when I thought about past or possible relationships. But as I drove home from my connect group, I again got a glimpse into what God has been planting in my heart.

Our group is called the “Power of Pursuit” and is directed toward single ladies in the church who are committing themselves to seek God’s best for their lives in dating. Tonight we had a lovely couple who shared their story and a whole lotta wisdom. A few of us spoke after, and the sentiment was the same: “Man,THAT was inspiring!” You know that stirring you get when God is doing much more on the inside than you can even put into words? Well, I got that feeling on the drive home.

What if I was meant to be single right now? Now hear me clearly…right NOW. Not forever. Just right now. Because guess what…I am single right now. And, guess what. I’m actually okay with that. God planted a seed in me about 2 years ago that I deserved more than I could hope for, or imagine, when it comes to a husband. Every so once in a while, I allow myself to “what if” my way out of that by listening to the world, and sometimes, even friends that try to convince me that my standards are too high, I'm not doing enough, or that I'm running out of time. 


What if it’s okay that I’m not in a relationship because God knew that I needed to be single right now to get this work done? 


What if He's building me up now, because whatever is coming down the line, is going to require some-thing and some-one special that He's equipping me for?

What if this desire to know God better and His will for my life is what my focus should be on right now?

My heart has been convicted: there’s no “what ifs” about it. 

I Want To See!!

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

I’ve come to that time again. That time where I know that I need to refocus. It was inevitable. It’s not like I haven’t been here before. That time in my journey where all things seem anything but focused.

I. Just. Want. To. See!!

There is no easier way to say it. I’m tired, Lord. I want you to show me now what I’m supposed to be seeing. I’m tired of waiting. 

And even as I type that, I already see the immaturity of my current state. I know that even in this time of ‘waiting’ that some great things are happening in me. There are just those days that I let my flesh take over…the ‘worry’ of what will come. Why not just FOCUS on what I can do?

Some days, I feel like I’m in the optometry office of life…and I’m sitting in front of the phoropter…that machine they sit you in front of to test your vision. They say “this or that” as they change the frames back and forth. Sometimes it’s clear and then it’s fuzzy. Sometimes it’s fuzzy and then even fuzzier. But in the end…the vision is corrected to what’s perfect for you.

I feel like I’m midway through that exam…and even though I KNOW that I KNOW the end result will be perfect vision…perfect corrected vision…I somehow find myself wanting to just jump to the end of the test. Why do I insist that God take me to the end without correcting what must be corrected so I can have that perfect vision? I certainly don’t want to end the test now…not while I’m seeing fuzzy! I want my vision for my life to be in perfect focus with His vision for me. 

So I take a step back and I allow God to continue to work and correct me. At the same time, I need to take a step forward, and refocus my commitment to the things I do have control over. I know that I do these two thing, His vision for my life will start to become clearer. I'm excited and expectant at what I will see.

Courage Is...

I’ve been thinking a lot about courage lately. Probably because of the Godchicks ‘Night of Courage’ in a few weeks, and the questions posed to our team by our lovely leader Bonnie: What was your most courageous moment in life? What gives you courage? What does courage mean to you? 

Great questions.

When I was a kid, courage meant standing up to the school yard bully, or not being afraid of the ‘monster’ my brother said was hiding in my closet. But as I grew up, I realized that courage was more than just the absence of an obvious physical threat. Courage was also who we become and how we respond in spite of a challenge or fear. Courage seems to be one of those wonderful gifts from God that I want more of as I see and experience it through others.

Courage is my 5 year old nephew who will walk up to any kid on the playground and say “Hi, I’m Max! Want to play?”

Courage is my friend who is able to pick up her 90-lb son who is not able to walk (yet!) and get him in and out of school, therapy appointments and basketball practice.

Courage is the Pastor who stands up in front of a congregation each week to share the message of the love of God, believing that someone will hear it and make the most important decision of their life; while knowing others may critique his/her every word.

Courage is the person who walks into a Celebrate Recovery meeting for the first time, sometimes not even knowing why they did.

Courage is the one who chooses to believe.

What does courage mean to you?  

Something Beautiful

Ever hear a song differently? You know…a song that you’ve listened to a kajillion times…and then just one day it suddenly is saying something completely different to your heart?

I was researching for a job interview and was feeling like a match had been struck inside. And as I sat thinking to myself, “hmmm…maybe this is a new direction,” I heard the Holy Spirit say, “a new song to be sung.” I immediately googled it because I honestly didn’t recognize it as part of a scripture…and there it was: Psalm 40.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

I marinated in that scripture for a bit. I’m sure I must have heard it before, but it’s amazing what you hear when you are listening. I’m in a place in my life that I haven’t felt I’ve been before: in a sea of ‘what’s to comes’ and the unknowns but not feeling like I’m drowning. Some moments come that I feel like I’m being tossed and turned in the thrashing waves, yet it only takes a moment before I’m feeling like the seas are calming and I’m floating along in my life jacket.

The interview went well. And I am confident in saying that if it’s for me…then it’s mine. If it’s not for me, He will provide. He already has. If anything, I feel like a new song is being put in my mouth. Initially, I thought it was my job search direction. And although I still believe that’s part of it, I realized driving home from the interview that it may also be something else…Something Beautiful.

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

The lyrics I had listened to and sang repeatedly reached out and grabbed me at that moment. For years when the waters rose, the fear would overtake me. But I find myself in a time of my life where, for all intents and purposes, I should be drowning; and I’m not. I’m actually pressing into God more and He is showing up…big time.

And that’s the beautiful part. I’m glad that I’m reaching for Him now instead of feeling like He’s turning away from me. It’s in those times that are the darkest, those times that we find ourselves either figuratively (or literally) on our knees that He is within our reach.

I finally get it.

And that *is* something beautiful.

Heart Broken

There are times in our lives that we might actually feel our hearts break. I can think of a few times in my life. There are days that we know will change the direction of our lives. Today was a day like that for a very dear friend. And my heart is breaking with hers.

Last night I left church filled to the brim…like whatever this week dealt out, I would be just fine…our God is stronger…I sang it…I believed it…I still believe it. But my heart is heavy for a friend who is going through a tremendous loss. And the fact that I can’t find the words to comfort her…it killed me. I couldn’t ‘fix’ it.

And that is part of this journey too. Learning how to deal with days like this, the ones that sneak up on me and leave me asking the question, “Why, God?” It’s days like this that remind me that I am not the one to ‘fix’ it and I am not the one in control. The only thing I have control of is the choices I make once the emotions get going. Will I stick to my journey when my heart is breaking for a friend?

The answer today is yes. 

Aches & Pains

Several years ago, I remember having a conversation with my brother about pain tolerance. He told me I had a low tolerance for pain and boy, was I offended. Now that I think back at it…being offended kind of proved his point!

I sit here with some aches and pains from yesterday’s race. Funny, just like in life, it seems that the aches and pains in your muscles sometimes come way after the very thing that caused the pain. And just like in life, you can manage the pain in a healthy way, or run from the pain by not engaging in the thing that caused it.

Part of this journey is to learn how to tolerate the pain in my life in a healthy way. Not to pretend it’s not there. Not to stop doing the things that may have caused it (if the things that caused it are good for me like exercise). And definitely not to pop a pill (or in my case, eat a burger,) to mask that the pain exists.

There are going to be aches and pains as I push my body past the point its use to. There’s going to be aches and pains when I don’t get to eat what everyone else is eating or what I feel like eating because I’ve had a bad day. But the more that I learn to manage that pain, and keep pressing on, the stronger I feel that I will be able to manage the next ache thrown my way. 

Zenyatta

Today I watched the Breeder’s Cup. Horse racing is really big in my family and I practically grew up at a racetrack. This year the race’s spotlight was a mare named Zenyatta. What makes Zenyatta interesting is there’s a story behind her…a journey, if you will.

Zenyatta was originally purchased for a low price because she was sick. So she was sick and female; not a great combination for a race horse! However, late in her career, Zenyatta started breaking ALL the records. She was going into today’s race, her 20^th and last race, undefeated.

Everyone watched as she ‘danced’ into her stable (her signature, she does this lil’ kick with her hoof that makes it look like she’s dancing).  I think everyone was anticipating the Hollywood ending. The race began and Zenyatta was dead last for most of it. But, another one of her signatures, she hangs out in the back and then destroys the field in the last stretch. This race was no different. As they turned into the last stretch, I thought there was no way she would catch up. But she did…it was amazing to watch. In the last 200 yards, she caught the front runner only to lose by half a head.

Watching the jockey interviewed after was heartbreaking. He was devastated. My dad swears that these horses know when they lose. I don’t know if I believe that, but I initially felt a little heartbroken for the girl who would retire with a loss.

Yet, I started thinking about the conversation I had with my trainer Jada earlier today. We were discussing this past first week of my program, and she reminded me to celebrate the victories each day. Why, after winning 19 races, should this horse only be remembered for the one she lost? I tend to do the same thing when it comes to my life: focus on the one defeat when there are several victories surrounding it.

So my goal for this week is to remember Zenyatta. The horse whose career became legendary later in life, who defeated many of the odds placed against her, and who did it all with a lil’ pep to her step. I’m going to challenge myself to remember and celebrate the victories each day.